I sat stroking his hair as he lay on my lap sleeping, watching the sun glint off his long lashes, thinking I could live in this little piece of heaven for a while.
I don't really know how to handle the fact that reopening my profile means an eventual pulling away from this cozy space of togetherness that is so calm and insular. What is it that feels so enriching about our time together? I think it's that it feels like a little oasis. But because he will never love me, I have to risk upending that in order to find an oasis that won't one day go away.
So, I started having a conversation with someone online and they asked "it's hard to believe someone so [insert nice things here] is still single. Are you available?"
Am I available. Hmm. To meet over coffee, yes. To become friends, sure. To fall in love, if we click, eventually (and after I get past my Fuck I Have To Open Up All Over Again phase), I don't know. But oh I want to say yes.