As the Corpuscle Turns

Today I threw my back out hunching over with an upset stomach. I win at weird afflictions! Who the hell throws out their BACK (and not even the popular spots like the lower back) while attempting to curl into a fetal position in their office chair?

It started like this:

Unngggnhhhhhh I don't feel so good....

AHHAHAHAHA!!! I WIN!!
I TOLD you that you would pay for staying out late!*
(Late = 9:30pm on a work night)

Wha--? OUCH!! What the hell was that?

Am I so out of shape that I can't even collapse upon myself in misery?
Who throws their back out HERE??

Luckily, this doesn't actually translate to limitation of movement. You can do quite a lot with a small knife lodged next to your shoulder blade.

Last week's weird affliction was an angry tastebud. While heavily involved in my nightly toothbrushing/scraping ritual, I noticed my tongue was sore. Like a curious techno-ape, I shone a flashlight on my throat and saw huge lumps all over the back of my tongue. This alarmed me so I took immediate action: I googled. And I found my diagnosis: oral cancer!! This scared me enough to see my doctor the very next day.

Dr.: What brings you here today?

Me: I have NO other symptoms but, um, my tastebuds are huge. And they hurt. It's weird, I've never had this before. The internet said this could be one sign of oral cancer.

Dr.: Hmmm, let me see.

Dr.: (shining light into mouth) Say "aaaahhh."

Me: "Aaaaah."

Dr.:  HAHAHAHAHHA you're a hypochondriac!!

(Just kidding, the doctor didn't really say that.)

Dr.: So, this is common after a cold - if it was oral cancer, you'd have lesions all over your mouth. I mean, the tongue is an organ and can be affected like any other organ in the body by an infection. See me again if it doesn't clear up.

Of course, it cleared up a day later.

What will it be next?! Dun dun DUN!! Tune in next week for As the Corpuscle Turns!