@JayFerris: 3 days of packing, lifting, and painful jerking. There's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to make it.
@FakeeEtiquette: It is rude to post a dating-site profile picture that actually looks like you.
@jstogdill: OH (On dating after divorce): it's nice to go out with someone who likes you.
@TeleEroticist: CBT Line. It doesn't stand for cognitive behavioral therapy.
@TeleEroticist: "I bite down on your nipple as hard as I can." "I smash your penis with the hammer of Thor." And he hung up. Pussy.
@TFLN (662): I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
@flipflopsinrain: Most awkward auto correct ever: when 'well, fuck' becomes 'we'll fuck'. Sent by your brother.
@danecook: I'm so glad I'm not married to my work because I'd definitely bang other jobs behind it's back.
@Higgins_J: "Holy shit dude, running security at Pride sucked. Was like being a kindergarten teacher. 'Don't drink all that! Put your pants back on!'"
@jordanrubin: I wouldn't say I'm "married" to my work, but we're definitely f-ing the s*** out of each other.
(Sent from my phone)
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