Monday, October 24, 2011

recent times (aka honey badger don't care)

Hi! Wanna be me, the past few weeks? Simple:
  • Catch plague. Move. Listen to hired dude's running commentary on the shittiness of everything you own. Throw neck out. Pay movers. Take massive painkillers. (Bonus: it lowers fever.) Get first meal of the day. Have car break in parking lot. Become agitated at delay in shrimp-eating. Limp to repair shop. Eat with fingers in Meineke waiting room. Think about how much unpacking is not happening. Receive word that car is hopeless. Limp to another shop. Drop off. Lament that enough time has passed to need more painkillers. Walk 2 miles home with high fever.
  • Unpack ibuprofen and bathrobe. Collapse for 24 hours.
  • Walk 2 miles with high fever to pick up car. Pay hundreds of dollars. See doctor, get antibiotics. Zombify rest of week. Rise from crypt, unpack.
  • Fall in love.
  • Get dumped.
  • Actually, don't get dumped, get reassigned. Hello friendzone, you're awesome. I wanted to get to know you anyway.
  • Learn important lesson: when it "clicks" it clicks. Realize you learned this before and forgot. Slap forehead.
  • Realize it doesn't matter if they don't like you back.
  • Listen to Niel Diamond's "Love on the Rocks" just so you can feel extra shitty about losing something you never had. Croon hoarsely to "First they say they want youuuu....." Gchat melancholy videos with like-minded friend.
  • Work 10 hours. Clock off. Spend another 8 hours editing photos. Become annoyed that you have to adjust the levels on every fucking photo. Decide to buy better equipment. Add to huge to-do list. Know it'll never happen.
  • Quit editing photos at 1:45am. Drive home. Play Ani DiFranco's Providence on loops for extra shitty bonus points. Pass through college town, become even more depressed by the ruckus of youth. Slump.
  • See guy attacking girlfriend down street. Drop jaw. Turn into mama bear. Run flailing into traffic. Realize you are the size of a madagascar hissing cockroach and honey badger don't care.
  • Flail more. Attract attention. Girl gets freed, mission accomplished.
  • Consider 3am jog to unwind. Remember stumbling drunken shapes weaving through neighborhood. Write instead.
  • Set alarm. Recall promise of delivering a well-rested self 4 hours north for early family event. Snort bitterly.
  • Awake. Palpitate. Drive 200 miles.
  • Clutch onto parent. Begin sharing. Get shushed. (I believe exact words were "shhh omg don't tell crazy stories!") Sulk. Stuff sulking into inner well of despair.
  • Win family performance award for entertaining while empty husk.
  • Magnificently avoid argument for the next 5 hours.
  • Hour 6: cue PacMan death noise.
  • Drive more. See more people. One comments "you look a little stressed?"
  • Drive home. Decide food is optional and forego supermarket for bed.
  • Work. Return home. Buy Nutter Butters to offer starving roommates, blog and collapse. 
There. You are now me.