|Do not, under any circumstances, google
"lady lumps." |
You will run screaming from the internet. Trust me.
On the other hand, perhaps I have just found my Halloween costume.
I am being the world's shittiest potential GF. Two really sweet dudes are being very awesome and I actually LIKE them, just... I keep holding them at arms length. I just feel like being alone lately. Last two dates with both of them, I told them I didn't know if I was ready to get into a relationship and essentially friendzoned things. They both want to date only me, and they both do and say all the right things. I don't know what is up with me but I just don't feel interested in romance right now. I do like writing them though and every once in a while, there's a bit of a connection and my frozen heart cracks open a tiny bit and I think "oh that was sweet" So I'm not ruling either out just yet, just need lots of space.
However, I'm letting my dating profile lapse again. It expires today. I don't feel like making a huge effort right now.
It let me shift a bit inside and think about what I really want.
I thought I wanted love again but now I'm not so sure. There's been opportunities and yet none have particularly moved me. All I want is just to enjoy someone's company, I think. Maybe I passed some crucial point and I have been living alone too long but I got used to that and now I kinda like it.
Normal people, when they want X from someone but get Y, they go elsewhere for X.
You don't stop needing & wanting X, but geez, you can't get blood from a stone. If you want me to skydive with you, that's not going to happen. Find another jumping partner.
Universal coping method: adjust expectations to match reality or adjust reality to match expectations.
But those relationships, they never gave up on wanting X, and wanting it from me. And the resentment built.
I wanted to deliver X; when you love someone, you want to give them everything they want. But that's not always possible, realistic or healthy.
|Well, it's okay to splurge sometimes.|
Lots of lessons there, you guys, in people who accept you for who you are.
It wasn't that I wasn't being honest with myself when lines were crossed, I honestly didn't see it.
I read the right books and went to counseling but I didn't get it until my own life became too large to take on anyone else's.