Friday, January 21, 2011

time and time again

I started my morning off with an anti-rejection rejection letter to someone I hadn't yet met. And hung my head, ashamed that I may be hurting yet another wonderful person who sidled up to my heart and inquired about getting close.

I explained my reasoning for bringing up such a serious note so soon:
In my line of work, we have something called "expectation management." That as long as you detail stuff out for people so they know what to *expect*, they're okay. It's when they expect something else and you don't deliver it that they get disappointed. So I guess I am hoping to offset any potential "delivery failure" scenarios because I don't want you to be disappointed in me. And even worse, take it out on thinking it's because you're not "enough". That's what I do when I'm rejected. Everyone does. Maybe it won't feel like rejection if you understand where I am.
Then I wondered, well, what AM I scared of anyway?

A lot of things, it turns out. But I will just write about the practical ones for now.

I have loose plans this year. This is maybe the first time in my life that I don't WANT to think about next month, I'm really just taking it day by day. But I have goals.

I want to finalize the divorce, sell the house and come to a place of closure. Regain financial stability -- this entire process has slammed into my money tree, hobbling an 8 year record of no debt (feeling like just one in a series of consequences acting as penance).

I want to continue rebuilding my strength and stamina. I want my body back, dammit. And I don't mean "body" as in looking like a ballerina -- I'm not talking about looks. I mean that I want to own myself again. I want to have that sense of sinewy strength I used to feel when I was very physically active and sleeping didn't make me feel creaky and I didn't get winded running up long flights of stairs with a heavy backpack.

I want to keep drawing. I've been learning and I LOVE it. Practice is how we get better at things and I want this to be the year of creative pursuits.

I have a ton of exciting projects I'd like to dive back into. I'm redesigning my website. I'm thinking about starting up the interviews project again. I'm experimenting with photography. I have freelance clients that want work done. I'm freewriting aching memories of love and loss to prepare for weaving into a story someday; assembling the threads has been healing.

I'm overhauling a million things at once. It's REALLY HARD to do this when I come home a hungry husk of a person with only an hour or two to before unwinding for bed. So I've become guarded about these small dreams. I'm scared I won't know how to fit these things into a life that includes a relationship.

But yet, I like wondering about that special connection, and so I tentatively reach out time and time again.


  1. (Okay, full disclosure: I might be a little biased on this one.)

    It's very likely this person has plans for 2011 as well. Do you know what they are? What if their plans have a possibility of meshing with yours? Not saying they will or they won't, but anything is possible.

    Fear is such a difficult thing. It both protects us a limits us; one needs to overcome fear to grow and change and live life, but go too far and it can lead to being hurt. Everyone encounters it: we all step up to the edge of the diving board and wonder what will happen when we jump off. Everyone's fears may be different: some fear the pool will be empty, or that they will hit the water wrong and hurt themselves, or that they'll land on someone and hurt them. And, yes, you can back down the ladder, go back to the locker room, change and go home.

    But maybe you'll hit the water juuuuuust right. And I think that's what motivates most people to take that first tentative step off the board.

    If the water looks inviting, well:


  2. I'm with you on my own desires for 2011. I want my divorce put to bed, I want us to finally come to a decision about our house, I need to accept that this will force me in to debt that I will be paying off for a couple of years, I want to start paying off that debt. Most of all, I just want to get back to feeling like the old me.

    Oh and Spanish. I want to learn how to speak Spanish.