Tuesday, April 2, 2013

In the darkness

My heart is sad tonight.

Sadness like this will go away, I know this, but I will let myself mourn, as he will mourn, over what cannot be. I care for him and he cares for someone else, and neither of us can have what we want.

It means more to me to be a friend, a real friend, one that can be happy to watch the ones I love walk off into the sunset with others. So I release my want. My loves are like sand sifting through my fingers. The tighter you hold, the more slips away. The only thing to do is give up your grasp and cup, for a moment, the elusive grains.

There is a school of thought that every encounter you have with another person is a gift. In the three years that I've been single, I haven't found "it." Either I'm not right for someone or they're not right for me. But that is dating.

Maybe I'll never find that kind of love again, love that I once knew. Maybe it is enough to have known it.

My friend Karen died young without getting the chance for the thing she wanted most: knowing the joy of being a mother. She yearned for it but cancer took her first. My childhood best friend died in labor. She didn't get the thing we all want: time. Heartache and sadness are all around. Not fun to read about. We want movies with happy endings and stories with closure but life doesn't always tie up neatly that way. I think for me this is why I value connection. For all of life's fleeting moments, it's not going through those moments alone that really matters.
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." Helen Keller

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