freedom within

Well, I am seeing the Cyclist again. It's kindof a nice thing. We have a solid friendship and a lot of trust.

I do feel like a complete dick though, for three awkward recent conversations in which I told perfectly nice men that I *wanted* to adore, I'm sorry, I'm not where you are. I had one today on the way to the doctor (AGAIN) and was so flustered that I got lost because I was concentrating more on the conversation than my route.

"I'm confused," he said. "I thought you liked me."

"I do," I said. "Just... I'm not in the same place."

"That's fine - you already told me that. I said we could go slow. I could wait a long time, that's no problem."

I hate conversations like these. I hate disappointing people. I hate hurting people.

I don't even know what it was but somehow he started to annoy me. I got excited about things at first and then they fizzled. When it came time to nail down a date for our next meeting, I realized I didn't want to do it. I feel like a terrible person for saying that because he was such a great guy. If only it were possible to will yourself to like someone, then we would all pick people who would be good for us. But shoot, arranged marriages really aren't a thing, not even to arrange them yourself..

Oddly, however, this is the first time I've been completely satisfied with where I am since my ex-husband and I split. (There's compromise in that statement since I do sometimes still have pangs for my old life, but I am a realist and I live the life I have.) I feel like I am starting to focus now on things besides romance, and being satisfied with good companionship somehow fulfills something while also feeling free.

....

ps. We've all been there and it sucks. Perspective about the Friend Zone, from Salon.com's advice columnist.