Thursday, July 12, 2012

The catalog of NO: dates that died on the spot (or never made it off the ground)

I'm a picky MoFo:
  1. The Diamond in the Rough: No, because you were dressed zhlubby and didn't pay for me. I'm sorry, but the total bill was $11. I offered to pay because I'm not actually a money-grubbing bitch, but a lady is always charmed by a gentleman. 
  2. The Terrified guy: No, because you looked terrified of me the entire time. I'm not really a terrifying person. I'm actually pretty nice. Really, it's okay, you can just relax and enjoy the date.
  3. The User: No, because you told me about all the other dates in which you slept with the women and then never called them again and I don't need to take a ticket for that queue.
  4. Supreme Judge & Ruler of the Universe: No, because you were boring and mean and all you did was criticize how fat everyone was and make fun of your last date.
  5. The Thoughtful Creep: No, because you said on your profile that you were 5 inches taller than me but you forgot to include the negative sign because you were actually shorter than my nephew was when he was 12. Rule #1 is the woman cannot feel like a big-boned, acromegalic neanderthal next to the man. That is a decidedly unsexy feeling. Also, you texted me at 5am to "wake me" after our first date. That is a really nice boyfriend gesture... and a really creepy first date one. If I feel like I might have to get a restraining order, that's generally not a positive sign.
  6. Mr. I Hate You: No, because you couldn't stand where I live, everything I stood for and the fact that I don't drink milkshakes. (But at least this was a mutual "No" and the guy never contacted me again.)
  7. The Runner: You seemed cool but we were too terrified to eat around each other, and I just don't think starvation is a healthy "together" activity.
  8. The Inappropriate Jazz Man: No, because you almost married a friend and then, when this fact was revealed, backpedaled. (Actual conversation: Me: "I don't feel comfortable dating an ex of a friend." Him: "A relationship does not an ex make!" Um, call it whatever you WANT but the bottom line is NO.)
  9. Mr. "But We Lead Separate Lives Now": No, because you're still living with your "ex."
  10. Mr Charming: No, because in addition to living with your "ex" too (geez, is this really common or something??) you mentioned, "I'm really trying to stop smoking so much pot."
Prospective Date #1: No, because you texted me a picture of yourself all pouty before we even MET, making me worry that 3 texts from now will be "Achievement unlocked: genitals!" Dude, you're not auditioning for Magic Mike. Texting before meeting is inappropriate unless it says "I'm running late."

Prospective Date #2: No, because you said you were into writing bloody horror stories and, I dunno, do you get your inspiration from your dates?

Prospective Date #3: No, because I had to assemble a team of interpreters to analyze your email because it was completely incomprehensible. I was two steps away from forwarding it to a mental hospital for an intervention.

Prospective Date #4: No, because you sounded like Bill Clinton on my voicemail and all I can hear is "I did NOT sleep with that woman!" As charming as he is, Bill Clinton is just not my type.

There's more, but most are too "meh" to mention!

Yes, dating is very, um, educational.


  1. You've certainly gotten to know a diverse group of suitors!

    Re: Diamond in the Rough. On my first date with my girlfriend, an afternoon walk led to dinner. When the bill came, I paid while she pretended it wasn't even there. When the server came to take the money, my date said, "Thanks," but it wasn't clear whether she was thanking me or the server. It was off-putting to me that she didn't even offer to pay-- she's a professional, independent woman in her 30's with a good job. It was a small red flag for me, until later in the week, we were planning our second date and she said that I didn't have to pay the next time, and added that she thought it was stupid and archaic to expect the man to pay for everything. So the awkwardness of the first date, and that red flag, went away. We've been dating 10 months. :)

  2. I'm a picky MoFo as well. I don't even have any prospective dates yet. One guy seemed really nice, intelligent and funny but the crazy slowly began seeping out until I woke up one morning to ten messages. Turns out 'poly' meant he had a wife and girlfriend and the wife was in the process of divorcing him and the girlfriend went back home to her original guy...pregnant by the guy who was writing me. Plus he lied about where he two hours driving time. I really should be blogging about my encounters as well but it's just more annoying than anything. I think the funniest one was Mr. Defensive. When I began questioning him on his answers to the questions he flipped out as if her were on trial. "I didn't take those seriously. Are you always this serious?"

  3. If nothing else, this was entertaining for me. :-)