Tuesday, July 3, 2012


Just got back from a blind date. OMG that was horrid. HORRID! I think we both hated each other. When dude wasn't grabbing his junk and "adjusting" it, he was rapid-firing questions and then not listening because he was too busy shifting his unmentionables.
Him: Where you from? [adjusts junk] 
Me: New Jers... 
Him: OH NJ, right? [adjusts junk] But WHERE, like central or what? 
Me: Yes, right in the cent... 
Him: Central? [adjusts junk] 
Me: Yeah, where Bruce Sprin... 
Him [shifting uncomfortably]: Why do you live here? You should live downtown. It's more important to me to live walking distance to stuff. 
Me: Um, well I wanted a short commute to work. 
Him: Well you could live in Columbia Heights, that'd be against commuting traffic, and then you could be walking distance to stuff. Green line, right? [adjusts junk] 
Me: I live 10 minutes away from work now, no interest in moving. 
Him [adjusting]: But you'd be DOWNTOWN. 
Me: I go downtown when I want, it's cool. 
Him: But you could LIVE there. [sideswipes junk] 
Me: [faceplant into dinner] [WHYWHYWHY did I break my Coffee ONLY rule WHYWHY]
Him [adjusting pants]: So, I don't think we really like the same hobbies. I mean, I'm into sports and tv. I'm not really into animals or camping. 
Me: Do I say somewhere I'm into those things? [Searching for my stereotype... Where did he get that from? Cause I sure as hell didn't say it in my profile, as I have no pets and I hate camping. Um, people with long flowy skirts like animals and trees?] 
Him: Well, we were talking about dogs. [tugs belt buckle] 
Me [thinking PLEASE refresh me because I have 15 conversations going right now on that dating site and I really don't remember any of them attacking the existence of animals.] Oh, because you have a picture of a dog on your profile. You have a dog! And I said he was cute.  
Him: Oh yeah, he was, but I just gave him up today. [rocks forward] 
Me: [facepalm]
Him: But I REALLY like to watch TV and movies and you're not really into those things. I mean, what do you DO if you don't watch TV? [rubs pants with thumb like expecting a genie to burst out] 
Me: [facepalm]
Him: Well, let's get some dessert! I want a milkshake. Want a milkshake? [pulls on waistband] 
Him [adjusting]: You don't drink milkshakes??  
Me: Not really but ice cream is awesome, I can get a cup of something wherever we go. 
Him: I can't believe you don't like milkshakes! Who doesn't like milkshakes?? [WILDLY adjusts junk] 
Me: I didn't SAY I *hated* milkshakes or anything, I just prefer a cup of ice cream. 
Him: But MILKshakes! [throws hands up in disgust at my lack of discerning judgment in dairy-based desserts] [drops hands, swipes junk] They're SO. GOOD.  
Me: [facepalm]
I got a goddamn cup of ice cream. He adjusted his pants 20 more times but I didn't give a damn because now I had chocolate with PEANUT BUTTER. We sat, facing away from eachother, dripping ice cream all over the street (yes, his milkshake leaked), lost in mutual worlds of disgust and hatred; world's apart: untamed shrew that I was could never appreciate the divine finesse of blended confections sucked through a straw. That was the happiest ending to a date I have ever had. It's OVER, YAY!


  1. On my list of things I'd like to be able to write is the repeated use of a word attached to a variety of descriptors to hit even better each time.
    You've set the bar very high with this.
    And like you said, at least you got I've cream out of the deal...

  2. Wow. . .

    (I have no other words.)

  3. That sounds horrible!!! You're very brave for lasting so long!

  4. Very funny. Sounds like a clueless, awful person. I'm noticing a theme: touching his crotch, DOWNTOWN, and milkshakes. This guy had only one thing on his mind. (TV, obviously!)

    Thanks for going through blind date trauma in the service of entertaining your readers.

  5. On second thought... Perhaps you could send a version of this, your experience, to Second City (Chicago) or Saturday Night Live (NYC) as an idea for the writers.