SHITTY DATE RECAP

Just got back from a blind date. OMG that was horrid. HORRID! I think we both hated each other. When dude wasn't grabbing his junk and "adjusting" it, he was rapid-firing questions and then not listening because he was too busy shifting his unmentionables.

Him: Where you from? [adjusts junk] 

Me: New Jers... 

Him: OH NJ, right? [adjusts junk] But WHERE, like central or what? 

Me: Yes, right in the cent... 

Him: Central? [adjusts junk] 

Me: Yeah, where Bruce Sprin... 

Him [shifting uncomfortably]: Why do you live here? You should live downtown. It's more important to me to live walking distance to stuff. 

Me: Um, well I wanted a short commute to work. 

Him: Well you could live in Columbia Heights, that'd be against commuting traffic, and then you could be walking distance to stuff. Green line, right? [adjusts junk] 

Me: I live 10 minutes away from work now, no interest in moving. 

Him [adjusting]: But you'd be DOWNTOWN. 

Me: I go downtown when I want, it's cool. 

Him: But you could LIVE there. [sideswipes junk] 

Me: [faceplant into dinner] [WHYWHYWHY did I break my Coffee ONLY rule WHYWHY]

...

Him [adjusting pants]: So, I don't think we really like the same hobbies. I mean, I'm into sports and tv. I'm not really into animals or camping. 

Me: Do I say somewhere I'm into those things? [Searching for my stereotype... Where did he get that from? Cause I sure as hell didn't say it in my profile, as I have no pets and I hate camping. Um, people with long flowy skirts like animals and trees?] 

Him: Well, we were talking about dogs. [tugs belt buckle] 

Me [thinking PLEASE refresh me because I have 15 conversations going right now on that dating site and I really don't remember any of them attacking the existence of animals.] Oh, because you have a picture of a dog on your profile. You have a dog! And I said he was cute.  

Him: Oh yeah, he was, but I just gave him up today. [rocks forward] 

Me: [facepalm]

...

Him: But I REALLY like to watch TV and movies and you're not really into those things. I mean, what do you DO if you don't watch TV? [rubs pants with thumb like expecting a genie to burst out] 

Me: [facepalm]

...

Him: Well, let's get some dessert! I want a milkshake. Want a milkshake? [pulls on waistband] 

Me: I could go for some ice cream. [FUCKING FEED ME CHOCOLATE TO MAKE THIS WORTHWHILE, JESUSDEARGOD] 

Him [adjusting]: You don't drink milkshakes??  

Me: Not really but ice cream is awesome, I can get a cup of something wherever we go. 

Him: I can't believe you don't like milkshakes! Who doesn't like milkshakes?? [WILDLY adjusts junk] 

Me: I didn't SAY I *hated* milkshakes or anything, I just prefer a cup of ice cream. 

Him: But MILKshakes! [throws hands up in disgust at my lack of discerning judgment in dairy-based desserts] [drops hands, swipes junk] They're SO. GOOD.  

Me: [facepalm]

I got a goddamn cup of ice cream. He adjusted his pants 20 more times but I didn't give a damn because now I had chocolate with PEANUT BUTTER. We sat, facing away from eachother, dripping ice cream all over the street (yes, his milkshake leaked), lost in mutual worlds of disgust and hatred; world's apart: untamed shrew that I was could never appreciate the divine finesse of blended confections sucked through a straw. That was the happiest ending to a date I have ever had. It's OVER, YAY!