Thursday, January 31, 2013

Letters I write in my head

I wrote this a few years ago.

So, I'm always composing letters in my head. This usually happens as I'm falling asleep, I think of replies to emails, letters to rude clerks, notes of appreciation, and even random rants to no one in particular.

Here's an example of the stuff that swirls around my brain at the midnight hour (appropriate that it's almost midnight):

Dear Safeway:
I loved your delivery driver last week. He was so nice, carrying all the groceries into the house in the rain and even waiting when we weren't here yet because my senile ass forgot. All that and he wouldn't even accept a tip. Crap, I totally forgot his name but I hope you give him a raise anyway.

Dear Doctor's Office:

How can you, in good conscience, bill me for a late fee when I was only late 7 minutes, yet you made me wait an hour and 12 minutes last time I was here? You suck.

Dear eyeglasses store:
I would totally come back to you for glasses this year because I love your selection but your technician is so rude that I cannot stand to be in his presence. Even the way he answers the phone makes me angry. Fire him and I'll come back.

Dear furniture store:
I really am just looking. Do not talk to me, do not trail me around the store and do not comment on pieces I linger around. Just because my eye falls on it does not mean I need to know it's origin and history from creation overseas to date. If you MUST introduce yourself, fine, but go away as soon as your name falls from your lips. When I have a question, I will ask. Until then, you are distracting me from your own end goal: imagining your furniture in my house. If you pester me too much, I will leave and never return. Back off, 'k?

Dear [every catalog that appears in my mail]:
You annoy me. Take me off your damn list!

Dear dog:
No, you may not go out. You were just out for 5 hours. And now it's raining. I am not cleaning muddy paw prints off the carpet for the rest of the night. Suck it up.

Dear website:
Why must I sign up? When you go to the store for eggs and milk, you can do so without a username and password. Plus your animation is obnoxious and unnecessary. Customer needs analysis FAIL.

Dear obnoxious driver:
You tailgated me aggressively down the freeway for 20 minutes despite not one but TWO open and available lanes for passing. Jerk.

Dear dysfunctional roommate,
You and I both know you stole that jacket.

To the guy invisibly hitched to my rear bumper:
You realize that this will not increase the traffic speed of the long line of slow cars in front of me, right?

To the man wearing a tricolored umbrella skullcap: I love you for making the seedy parts of Good Luck Road a fun place for a moment.

Dear cat: there is no more food! Stop trying to kill me with your purring and leg-rubbing.

Dear spider: don't even THINK about coming in.


  1. Yes! Here's one I would add:

    Dear random store: stop asking me for my phone # when I buy something. I don't want a relationship with you, I want to buy socks. Remember when you could go to a store and just buy something without all the invasion of privacy? I just wanna buy some friggin' socks! < / old man rant >

  2. Totally by accident, but notice how the word "buy" is at the end of every line of my comment? I can't decide if it's poetic or annoying or just bad writing. Should have thrown in a few "purchase"s or "acquire"s in there.

  3. So what would a letter to yourself read like?