Monday, January 7, 2013

on the topic of ginormous breasts

There, do I have your attention now? Good. But in case you wondered if this post was about MY ginormous breasts, sorry. It's not. (Regular readers will note that the above photo is not one of me.) No, this post is about how, even though I am not INTO ginormous breasts, I still notice them. (Or at least I do if they're being thrown into my face.)

Here's what happened.

I was at a meeting one day with one of my old coworkers and we were sitting at a table shuffling papers, discussing the efficiency of loading a full ream of paper into the printer every third Thursday (or some equally riveting topic). She seemed uncomfortable and kept shifting her body; twisting around the chair, heaving upward and rotating upon some strange axis before settling back down. She would not stop fidgeting.

Look, it's not MY fault that she was wearing a shirt so low-cut that her boobs swung out like wrecking balls.

So I looked!

Everytime her girls swiveled into view, the sheer size, weight and momentum yanked my eyes downward. I couldn't help glancing. I really couldn't. I tried not to notice but she kept whipping them into my line of sight. If she was trying to get me to stare, she couldn't have done a better job. But she wasn't.

Finally she outright handled them. Yep. She picked her breasts up with her hands, gently cupping the bottom, and gingerly settled them down on the table.

What would you do?

You'd notice.

I've never seen someone fuss so with their torso. But she wasn't doing it to get my attention. I thought she was either just a nervous, active person, or she'd drank 78 espressos that morning, but either way, I DID notice.

She suddenly grew shy after my last averted eye attempt. After resting them on the table, she looked at me uncomfortably, glanced down and slowly pulled her shawl forward, draping loose burlap-like fabric over her cleavage, hiding all evidence of the shapes that lurked beneath.

I thought I'd die of embarrassment. BUSTED!

She actually had to cover herself because of me.

"I don't care about your boobs!" I wanted to cry. "Stop hurling them in my face!"

Really, if she'd been swiveling her elbows about, I'd be noticing them too.

And trust me, I have ZERO sexual interest in either body part.

I now sympathize with some (SOME) guys who shift their gaze downward now and then. I'm not even INTO them and couldn't help it!
Chelsea Charms and her ginormous boobs


  1. Those pictures would be a case of more is waaaay too much more.
    Hope your friend gets better support for her back and girls (other than furniture).

    And I think you protested a bit too strenuously about not being attracted.
    Who doesn't find elbows hot?!?

  2. I've caught myself staring at boobs recently. Not only huge ones, but also just perky ones.. ones like I wish I still had. When I lost weight mine fell straight down.

  3. Could it be that she felt self conscious or embarrased, realizing your gaze?

    Another view is that she might have felt as if she was attracting the wrong people's attention, and does not know what to do when women (gay, straight or Bi-sexual) notice the prominent features she happened to be in the process of manipulating.

    One side note: As you said, "...her boobs swung out like wrecking balls...she kept whipping them into my line of sight." My theory is that it is a normal human instinct to be wary of objects being hurled in our direction, it is part of the fight or flight response. In this case perhaps, in a moment of self preservation, your brain did not have time to reason, it reacted instinctually and thought,"Whoa! Did you see that!... What if they broke loose and came hurtling in my direction!!"

    You were like a deer in the headlights...

    As for the crazy scary (my opinion) pictures you posted above, I would assume these are women that need, No..., they Really CRAVE Attention (and apparently do not care whether it is the good good or bad type).

    [I actually am starting to feel bad/sorry for them and how their bodies will not age well. Spinal issues, and as the adipose and other tissue breaks down (I am sorry clarisajade) with age, and gravity, their (sorry to even imagine this) breasts there will take part in some major sagging. Without surgery, it just IS going to happen. I cannot imagine the trouble of clothing costs, the inability to ride a roller coaster or participate in any athletic activity that requires running or agility...]


    I guess that is just what came to mind.