Trashing your car doesn't usually happen this early in a relationship

Well, 2nd date tonight with the... I don't know what to call him yet. So let's just try Guy 2, until things sort themselves out with Guy 1.

While walking to dinner, he reached for my hand and I noticed then that my heart felt like a cold block of ice. I felt nothing, and then I felt depressed that I felt nothing, because I had so been enjoying our emails and he has kind eyes. But okay; it took me 4 months to warm up to my first love. I am not unfamiliar with this possibility.

It wasn't until the movie that I started to thaw the tiniest bit. He put his arm around me and nestled his fingers into the hair at the base of my neck, a move that is maybe my favorite thing ever but almost NO ONE does this, and I didn't know how to react. What's the appropriate signal for "don't stop but don't dare do a THING extra or I will run away"?

Or at least one that is not like this?



Afterwards, we sat in my car and I felt sad while he told me how much he liked me, thinking "FUCK, I better cut this off before I hurt him" so we talked about where we were.

But then something interesting happened. I could see that not a single ounce of him felt rejected when I shared what was going on in me. It was the "it's not you it's me" speech and he GOT it, he really understood, and he seemed to care more about my feelings than his.

Usually when I start getting the "I'm not where you are" speech, I can't even hear them over the sound of my own insecurity. But his response had an odd effect on me. It made me relax, and then I started playing Tarbash the Egyptian Magician and suddenly we were laughing, and there was nothing awkward between us.




Then we said goodnight to a date that was turning out quite wonderfully, and, like an absolute idiot, I backed out of the spot and scraped a concrete cone I couldn't see because I was driving while dating, and my car made a noise like a 7-car pileup and then my front bumper snapped off.

It was an awesome cap to the eve, I highly recommend wrecking your car, especially in front of someone you are still trying to impress.

He texted me later, "It's been my past experience that someone getting their car trashed on a date usually happens around four months into a relationship..."

My heart may have been unpenetrable to start but he was kind and didn't put any pressure on me whatsoever, and THEN helped me clean up. I dunno. He's kindof a really great person.

And that was date 2 with Guy #2.

a few good men

The movie "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend" annoyed me all the way up until
like, five minutes before the end because the whole time I was feeling
extremely judgy at the main character. I could barely stand watching
it, I was so irritated. "BOTH DUDES are in love with you, WTF is wrong
with you leading them on like that!!" I wanted to scream. "AUGH, you
have to TALK to them!!"

But suddenly I feel like I'm going to be in a similar boat: soon I may
have to decide between some really good men:

Guy 1: Russian guy who reminds me of my ex-husband: they had similar
jobs, worked at the same place doing those same jobs, have similar
hobbies and interests and EVEN similar purple shirts. Last night, he
wrote to inform me he just adopted a ferret and I nearly died --
goodness, now they even have PETS in common. This is weirding me out.
I could fall in love with his mind because he is brilliant but I may
not be able to go there. I do, however, love his accent, Russian
accents are hot as fuck. And he has a very devoted, attentive way
about him and is totally ready to be really into me which is both
awesome and scary at the same time.

Guy 2: who is handsome, gentle and sweet and pays me a lot of
attention, which I really like. We have been emailing a lot. I met him
once in person, had a great date and then I disconnected from the
dating world for weeks (almost a month?) but he's given me space for
this. I met him the same week as the Russian. I'm seeing him for our
second date soon and really looking forward to it. He somehow always
seems to know *exactly* what to say *and* it doesn't scare me.

Those are the two major possibilities now. Then there's a couple on
the periphery:

Guy 3: Met him on the retreat but he lives far away. Still, we are now
chatting on the phone and conversation is easy. I held him at arm's
length during the retreat -- last thing I wanted was anything to
complicate my sense of peace on my vacay -- but he has a sunny
disposition and it's very enjoyable to be around him.

Guy 4: Had one date a couple years ago but after I met him, I realized
it was too soon for me to date anyone and I shut down my profile and
pushed everyone away despite liking him. Anyway, the date was pretty
great and we are reconnecting now, may meet up again.

There's further email correspondences, some of which may materialize
into meetups.

I still miss the Cyclist. I reckon I will feel this way until I start
developing feelings for someone else. I remember writing in my diary
after he first kissed me that something in me shifted and I no longer
wanted the last guy back because suddenly what was in front of me was
amazing. So hopefully that will happen again.

One of my guy friends gave me the most unhelpful advice ever a few
weeks ago (before my vacay). "You want him back?" he wrote. "Send him
a sexy photo."

"Are you freaking kidding me?" I almost wrote-yelled back. "Oh HALE
no." I don't know what planet he was from but I don't need to hop on
Spaceship Embarrassment.

The Cyclist and I do, however, have plans to hang out as friends
again. Don't yell at me, internet, I think it will be cool. I want to
see him. I think we can pull off a nice friendship as long as we don't
talk about our love lives because that's the hardest part. Telling him
about other people while thinking "yeah, they're nice... but they're
not you"... awkward.

I am enjoying being single right now though, I'm kindof having a
blast. The lack of romance coupled with potential is perfect for right
now.

(Sent from my phone)

two of me

I look into the future and I see two of me. One would maybe be over my boyfriend's house, cozily hanging out. The other me goes home to sink into the quiet of my space, alone.

We have been writing and opening up and last night had our 3rd date.

He held my hands gently over the car's console while I told him some of my history. His eyes were kind. "You were scared of me," he says, suddenly understanding my skittishness. I nodded. "You ran away for 3 weeks and I didn't see you."

We were quiet a moment while he stroked the top of my hand with a single fingertip. "and you are going to run away again after tonight."

I hung my head. "You can tell?"

"I can tell."

conversation in which I am being extremely literal

Conversation with a girlfriend in which I am completely unsupportive:

Her: When I raised my kids, I did it all alone.

Me: But you were married...?

Her: Yeah, but he didn't do anything, it was still all on me.

Me: But what about that time that he picked you up when you had an emergency? Or that time you had the flu? Or that he brought in a paycheck and you didn't have to work?

Her: Whatever. Raising kids is a LOT of work and he didn't help me.

Me: But that IS help! Even if he wasn't changing diapers. It's not like he did *nothing.* Even if it was just financial help, that's huge.

Her: You don't get it. Trust me, I did it all all alone.

Dudes, if he's even THERE it is a huge help. I once considered what it would be like to be a single parent. I did the hypothetical as if I had a kid all by myself and had NO help whatsoever. Floating everything I needed on my salary: daycare, diapers, food, housing, clothes because they're growing fast, lessons because you want your kid well-rounded and to have friends and hobbies, and then there's kid stuff like toys and experiences -- all that stuff costs money.

Now, outside monetary help may have been a possibility but I wasn't counting on it. I'm stubborn about that self-sufficiency thing. It would have killed me to have anyone responsible in even the slightest way if I alone chose to bring a child in the world. (Although I would gladly take the participation of anyone who wanted to be a part of my kid's life -- there is no price that can be put on the enrichment of being loved.)

Anyway, so that stuff above is just the financial part. What about times like when you have the flu and the baby has the flu and no one is around to get medicine? No matter how slack the husband is, at least he's *there*. I was lying in bed one night, nauseous and sick and I couldn't move, I had to lie very still just to keep the waves of nausea at bay and I thought what would I do if I had a kid right now? I brought this up and my friend said, "Well, yeah, but you just do it. You do what needs to be done, somehow you power through."

I mean, obviously. Parents all over the world deal with all different kinds of circumstances but please don't discount help when you get it. Just don't. Maybe it's not enough or even what you need but it's not "nothing."

Followup link for new parents -- the comments on this question in the Carolyn Hax column bespeak of the difficulties that many parents are hesitant to admit. It is pretty darn hard to raise a kid (although I want to emphasize that that does not have to negate it still being an amazing experience).

overheard (and why is this not obvious?!)

Sum up 80% of the conflict in human relationships and it boils down to this: one person wants something from the other. Overheard:

Person A: And so my __________ (mom, dad, partner, etc.) just really wants me to __________ (be a doctor/lawyer, be outgoing, go dancing, have kids, be a pianist, get a promotion, be more affectionate, get married, clean more, etc.). It's not what I want but they won't stop putting this pressure on me.

Person B: They want this of you because they love you.

Person A: Sure, I get that. But their motive doesn't MATTER, it's not helping me. They're pushing too hard.

Person B:  But what they want is a good thing.

Person A: That doesn't matter either, I'm just not going to ever be that way. It's not in my nature. It's not what I want.

Person B: But they want it so badly! I'm in this boat too so I understand, I want to see my loved ones improve too.

Person A: That's what they want for me but it's not what *I* want for me.

Person B: But they'll be so disappointed!

Person A: They'll have to learn how to deal with it. It's not my responsibility to manage their emotions.

Person B: But if you just did it, it would make them so happy!

Person A: Look, I would love to wrap my arms around my pet parakeet and hug it tight. But guess what? Birds HATE being hugged or touched. I can't show my bird love the way *I* want to show him, I have to show it in the way that HE wants it. He wants millet spray. Fine. I mean, I still have this need to hug -- I'm a primate, afterall -- but it's not up to my parakeet to console me because he's just being himself. I'll deal. And so they can deal.

Person B: Huh. You got a point.

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." Kurt Cobain

Happiness is pajamas in public

How to get over someone: replace them with someone else you are equally into.

If, however, this isn't possible, assemble a fleet of possibilities. Set up a date for every night of the week: 7 people to get your mind off one. Also, get a little closer to one emotionally. Share something personal and then when they say all the right things, feel your heart crack open a tiny bit to the idea of seeing them again. Schedule them first. Then bask in those amazing friendships from last night. Spend the evening fucking with beads and string and then eat nothing but mushrooms for dinner (which you purchased while wearing pajamas and hot pink & black striped socks). Gain admiration of local college students (even though you're not quite on par with that dude in a bathrobe who was walking to the metro that one time but that's okay -- baby steps).

Realize you are starting to think more about possibilities than the past and that maybe this is part of moving forward. :)

(Sent from my phone)

frenz

At times like this, I feel like the richest mofo on the planet. I love my friends.

They hugged me tonight. "We haven't seen you in forever! What happened??"

The winter happened. I isolated myself because I was dealing with too much. I'm starting to feel like my old self again. I laughed and laughed and hugged them harder and vowed to remember that burdens are lighter when you accept help in carrying them. <3

Hey you guys, this is us. <3, me

Catching my breath... letting it go.

 I spent this past week at a special meditation retreat -- it was more than a retreat though, and it was more than just meditation. It was a kind of meditation that is likened more to mindfulness. They call it "focusing" and you "check in" with your body to see how it's feeling. It also embraces a very compassionate, kind worldview -- not only to others but to yourself (which can be much harder to do).

You know that feeling you get in your gut when you meet someone? Maybe you instantly like them or maybe you're instantly turned off? They call that (maybe for lack of a better term) the "felt sense." We all get gut feelings and if you can learn how to tune into them, then you can better match your outside to your inside.

Sometimes your gut just wants pizza.

Incongruence between your inner self and outer self is one of the biggest sources of personal stress. Like, for example, if your gender preference doesn't match who you're dating, or you are stuck spending your resources (time/energy/money/etc.) in ways that do not align with your values. A valuable key to happiness is having your outside match your inside.

(Next best thing.)

What I expected from the workshops: that I'd learn some tools to get centered.

What I didn't expect: that I'd be on the grounds of a former monastery with 75 people, half of them from outside the states (Norway, Japan, Ukraine, UK, Australia, Canada) and it'd be like hanging out with 75 of my best friends. (Okay, maybe not 75. There was one girl I found annoying. Figures she's the one that lives nearby and wants to hang out.) The community is so welcoming and warm though, I still feel the presence of all these great connections enveloping me like a soft cloud of friendship carrying me along.

Philip Greenspun, MIT professor and inventor of photo.net, someone I admire deeply, especially as he was at the forefront of the internet when it was newly public, wrote in his first book Travels with Samantha that he was driven to travel the country alone with his samoyed Samantha in part because he needed to know that people would be there for him somehow. That the kindness of strangers really was a thing. The world can often feel unwelcoming and a sense of community combats that. I didn't realize this retreat centered around a mindset, not just some workshops. That the people who followed these practices formed a community..

Driving home, windows down, singing and feeling free, I found myself thinking about the days ahead and how I had plans to see the Cyclist next week.

I started to get a little jittery inside, excited at seeing him, happy and nervous all at once, like usual. and so I said oh hey, um, self? This connection is pretty charged, you know that, right?

I'm not being totally honest with myself if I don't admit that I still care about him, still miss him, still see stuff I want to bring him or cook for him. I am acting like a girlfriend in my heart. It's incongruent. How I feel is different than my behavior. I'm not just a friend, at least not inside. And this has stunted my attaching to anyone else.

So we had an honest discussion. I admitted what I was feeling inside and he sweetly agreed to grant me the time I'll need to disconnect. I know it can be done, I've done it before. I already feel like I made some progress this past week since I wasn't thinking about romance at all. I was laughing hard with the windows down.



I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith, karma comes around
I will spend the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

You helped me see
The beauty in everything

stigmas of dating

Why is perseverance revered everywhere but matters of the heart? "You're trying too hard," people say when they know you are looking for love. But no one would say this if you were pursuing a career. There's stigma whichever way you go.

If you find someone right away, you're settling.

If you don't, you're picky.

If you date one person at a time, you're a "serial" dater.

If you play the field, you're a "player."

If you try and it doesn't work, there's something "wrong" with you (not that you have ideals and it just takes TIME).

If you say, "I like being single," no one believes you.

If you say you are lonely, then you are desperate.

If you say you're not, you have some kind of dismissive avoidant attachment style.

If you shrug off comments, you're flippant.

If you tell people to leave you alone, you're defensive.

Can't win!

The Mayan Heartthrob

I'm riveted to the computer listening to this woman's love story with a Mayan hearthrob. 17 minutes; worth it:

"Teh Internet is like a boyfriend catalog!"

"It turns out the only single, straight men were my cousins. While I'm from Ohio, I'm not from THAT part of Ohio..."

Hilarious video about dating in this day & age:

31 things about me

Inspired by several other bloggers, I decided to hop onto this "list stuff about yourself" meme. I'd love to read yours if you do this too.

1. I'm a shoe snob (but not in that way). To hell with looks or fashion, it must be comfortable.
2. Love to read. I read everything I can get my hands on. I used to read walking through the mall with family as a kid (hated shopping).
3. I don't really watch TV except socially. Alone, there's more fun stuff to do instead, like create (draw, write, craft, etc.).
4. Almost never get headaches or seasick and rarely get sick (except for #5).
5. I have a sensitive stomach. I can't eat food that's too old, fatty, milky, rich or sweet, nor eat too much. I pick my way through a salad bar as slowly and deliberately as if I'm taking an LSAT exam.
6. I don't really like bread, rice or pasta.
7. Can usually fall asleep on a dime anywhere. I once slept on the deck of a ship with the sun beaming into my face while people mopped around me -- if tired enough, a plank of wood will suffice!
8. Hate beauty appointments -- hair/nails/etc. are not for me.
9. Hate making multiple trips with groceries, I'd rather injure myself carrying everything in at once.
10. Washing dishes is fun.
11. I've never broken a bone or been in the hospital overnight.
12. I'm not superstitious or religious.
13. I don't like taking medicine unless absolutely necessary. On the rare occasion that I do have a headache, I will try and sleep it off.
14. My sweet tooth is my greatest weakness.
15. Am obsessed with flossing.
16. Not shy about ordering food I want. I never order a salad because "that's what girls do" -- I genuinely love salad. If I want a steak, I will order a steak.
17. Drove a stick for 13 years and loved it.
18. Peer pressure doesn't work for me, never did. I do what I want no matter what. If someone is lecturing me, I will nod and listen and look agreeable but in the end do my own thing anyway.
19. Hate talking on the phone.
20. I sleep on my back.
21. Am never bored.
22. I don't like when my car is messy.
23. Generally am not an irritable driver.
24. I rarely drink soda.
25. Am extremely methodical about paying bills and being organized.
26. Have never smoked a cigarette.
27. Generally am not a jealous person.
28. I love to write.
29. I really do wish for world peace. When I read articles about other people's suffering, I sit and think about what they're going through and try to imagine life through their eyes. I give them a moment of silence and concentration to honor their pain by trying to feel it myself. And I think about how I can help and if there's something I can do, I try to do it.
30. I find everything fascinating. So many possibilities! Piano, art, language, I want to learn so much. Wait, I lied. Not everything is fascinating. Knitting seems boring. Sorry. 
31. I used to want to be a doctor. Long story but I still read everything I can get my hands on about health and medicine. Info is a tool we can use to manage the quality of our lives. I am also skeptical and am not into supplements and claims not well-supported by peer-reviewed research. (The beginning scientist in me was trained well.) I am, however, intrigued by the ideas of yoga and meditation for stress and certain types of pain management. I am not against alternative medicine as much as I just require good evidence. If studies show it works, fine. The philosophy here is not much different than what I would expect from a financial advisor. Prove it and I'll invest. I'm not above trying something (like that time I tried acupuncture) and giving it a chance but this involves being honest with myself about observations and also recognizing that different people have different results. I know lots of people who swear by acupuncture. I don't really know if it helped me. It's possible, but no way to prove in my particular case.

Okay, you next!

more in-betweens

How honest should you be?

I'm sitting here nibbling on some chocolates the Academic surprised me with on our first date last week. He was so happy I could try his favorite chocolates and extolled their hearty deliciousness, eyes gleaming in delight as we opened the box and shared a truffle. But I hate them. On our date, he asked, "ooh, how do you like them? Aren't they delicious?"

I nodded thoughtfully while chewing.

"Very, um, sweet," I said. It was the best I could say. (But I loved the sweet gesture.)

City Guy and I text a lot now. "How's your harem?" I asked him. "Hardly," he replied, and we talked about our (lack of) love lives and giggled. Something complicated happened between us that neither of us fully understood at the time, and the door to romance slammed shut. We both got scared but it came out in different ways. Starting over slowly with a friendship has been helping to reopen the doors of trust.

I wanted to reopen doors with the Cyclist but he wasn't receptive.

So I crafted gloomily and played Adele, as one does:

Sometimes I wake up by the door
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you...

But sometimes those lines make me smile too. I loved you, I can think, and it added to me. How lucky am I.

whyyy do people wear things that hobble them??

I spent the weekend in a marathon sewing class, 16 hours of stitching and threading and learning how to work a sewing machine. I don't care HOW many arrows are on the machine to guide you in threading it, it's still complicated as hell.

Like my project?

The instructor was absolutely wonderful but she didn't eat or drink anything for 8 hours so scratch that as a potential career. I was a little scared of committing to such an intense class never having touched a sewing machine before but it was an absolute blast!

Afterwards, I went to see the Cyclist. We got food and then frozen yogurt and sat on some stoops people watching. Several women hobbled by in shoes that crippled them and we wondered WHYYY do people volunteer to cripple themselves with fashion? I don't get it.

Whyyy??!

City sunset photo

"When the sun has set, no candle can replace it." George R. R. Martin

There's a message in comfort

DUDES I just had the most amazing first date. I was feeling down too, after yesterday's should-have-been-great-but-scared-me date and almost gave up dating altogether earlier today, melancholy at my heart's seeming lack of cooperation.

He tapped me on the shoulder as I was texting him my location and I whirled to find him even cuter than his photo. We hugged shyly hello and headed up the stairs into a Thai restaurant where we sat for the next few hours and chatted comfortably.

Him: "On my profile, it says to ask me on our date about how we met. So, know how we met?" 

Me: "Um, in front of the fountain 5 minutes ago?" 

Him: "Haha, no, you know what? I wrote you last year. And you never responded. I favorited you even. Then when I saw you online again, I almost didn't write because you hadn't written back last time, but I thought 'oh why not'." 

Me: "What? I usually respond to most messages unless they're just a flirt or a single line of text that doesn't look like they read my profile. I'm so sorry!" 

Him: "That's okay! I'm not bothered by it, just think it's funny. It was this time last year." 

Me: "Hmm. This time last year I was sporadically online after a relationship ended. I'm so sorry I didn't write back, I usually try not to blow people off." 

Yikes, I really do try to handle exchanges with care. Lesson: don't be a dick, ever.

After our date we stood outside my car and he put his arms tenderly around me and pulled me close. "I don't usually do this on a first date," he murmured into my hair and I relaxed into his arms, which isn't usually easy for me -- I spend like 90% of the time warring with myself, trying to will comfort. Like last night when I got scared! I thought it was just me but friends argued that the gut, though unpopular, will have its say. I disagreed with them all day until tonight, when he reached for me and I didn't want to run away.

shift

I have this conversation with someone at least once a week:

"Be patient, if you want abs, doing 50 situps today won't get you ripped by tomorrow. You just have to keep DOING it. Perseverance is key. Whatever you turn your attention to is the thing that will blossom."

I looked over at this blog and can see I spent much time underwater.

In the past year, the divorce finalized (well a little over a year), had a family medical crisis and a personal one and a lot was getting me down.

I don't want to be there anymore.

I'm clearing the cobwebs out of my head and my blog (you may have noticed) and moving forward. I want to focus my attention a little more positively. I don't want to mull over things that haven't worked but instead turn my attention to better things.

Like, here are some positives:

-- I'm getting enough sleep, yay! Regularly! I don't use an alarm clock anymore. I haven't in forever. I just go to bed 8 hours before I have to get up (6am) and it works out. This requires some prep though. I try to turn off the computer around 9 and start unwinding. If I'm really good about this, I'm in bed reading by 9:30.

-- I'm eating healthy! That usually comes easy though, I'm one of these weird people that craves veggies. It's the sweet tooth that I struggle with. So I have a way around it: moderation. I tried going cold turkey but that didn't work. I signed up for some diet newsletter and then read a book on cravings and even checked out the paleo thing. I spent all this time looking into stuff and none of it was realistic for me. Basically I just need to *prepare* to be healthy. I only have one rule: when faced with a choice, try to make it a good one. It's a surprisingly simple but effective concept. I sneak a chocolate mousse yogurt (Yoplait Whips rock) in the afternoon and allow myself a small portion of another treat if I must. No guilt, just don't go overboard.

-- I'm back down to my pre-med crisis weight! And I have more stamina. I feel pretty awesome physically which is makes it easier to work harder. Dudes, when you get out of shape, do you know how freaking HARD it is just to get back to baseline? Extra fat is more than just weight, it's more vasculature for your blood to pump through before it gets back to your heart, not to mention more tissue for your body maintain. I *felt* heavier on my feet too, which made it harder to run, which is completely demotivating to movement but if you keep at it anyway, you get past that hump and it starts getting easier.

-- Been meditating almost every night. I do this special 5-10 minute meditation exercise before I go to sleep and it's incredibly relaxing. It feels absolutely delicious to crawl into bed. Oh, and next week I'm signed up for a meditation workshop.

-- My digs are clean and nice, but that's easy for me too, I've never really been a slob.

-- Been traveling and seeing family and friends. That's not new either, but it is positive.

-- Meeting some nice men. One is starting to stand out because of the nice rapport we are developing in writing. (We already met once and had a nice date. Both of us were a little shy but it went well.)

Hey a whole blog post dedicated to what's going well. I feel the urge to self-deprecate or mope. Writing about good things is boring!

What are some dating red flags?

"The first time someone tells you who they are, listen." Maya Angelou

This question of the week comes from a personal discussion: what are some dating red flags?

To me, red flags are signs that someone may not be stable, caring or on the same page. Take note:

• Do they seem callous towards other people? Do they talk about others dismissively or with care? Do they have a history of stable, caring relationships? Do they treat waitstaff and strangers with respect? You want someone who values people and relationships.
• Do they seem into you? They're into you if they reach out. If you're the only one reaching out, they're not that into you. 
• Red flag: if it doesn't seem like self-care is a priority (for example, what do they complain about regularly and what are they doing to solve it? Like, if they're always sleep-deprived, why are they unable to self-regulate and get sleep?)
• Do they pay attention to, and are they receptive of feedback?

What else? What are some more red flags?