Catching my breath... letting it go.

 I spent this past week at a special meditation retreat -- it was more than a retreat though, and it was more than just meditation. It was a kind of meditation that is likened more to mindfulness. They call it "focusing" and you "check in" with your body to see how it's feeling. It also embraces a very compassionate, kind worldview -- not only to others but to yourself (which can be much harder to do).

You know that feeling you get in your gut when you meet someone? Maybe you instantly like them or maybe you're instantly turned off? They call that (maybe for lack of a better term) the "felt sense." We all get gut feelings and if you can learn how to tune into them, then you can better match your outside to your inside.

Sometimes your gut just wants pizza.

Incongruence between your inner self and outer self is one of the biggest sources of personal stress. Like, for example, if your gender preference doesn't match who you're dating, or you are stuck spending your resources (time/energy/money/etc.) in ways that do not align with your values. A valuable key to happiness is having your outside match your inside.

(Next best thing.)

What I expected from the workshops: that I'd learn some tools to get centered.

What I didn't expect: that I'd be on the grounds of a former monastery with 75 people, half of them from outside the states (Norway, Japan, Ukraine, UK, Australia, Canada) and it'd be like hanging out with 75 of my best friends. (Okay, maybe not 75. There was one girl I found annoying. Figures she's the one that lives nearby and wants to hang out.) The community is so welcoming and warm though, I still feel the presence of all these great connections enveloping me like a soft cloud of friendship carrying me along.

Philip Greenspun, MIT professor and inventor of photo.net, someone I admire deeply, especially as he was at the forefront of the internet when it was newly public, wrote in his first book Travels with Samantha that he was driven to travel the country alone with his samoyed Samantha in part because he needed to know that people would be there for him somehow. That the kindness of strangers really was a thing. The world can often feel unwelcoming and a sense of community combats that. I didn't realize this retreat centered around a mindset, not just some workshops. That the people who followed these practices formed a community..

Driving home, windows down, singing and feeling free, I found myself thinking about the days ahead and how I had plans to see the Cyclist next week.

I started to get a little jittery inside, excited at seeing him, happy and nervous all at once, like usual. and so I said oh hey, um, self? This connection is pretty charged, you know that, right?

I'm not being totally honest with myself if I don't admit that I still care about him, still miss him, still see stuff I want to bring him or cook for him. I am acting like a girlfriend in my heart. It's incongruent. How I feel is different than my behavior. I'm not just a friend, at least not inside. And this has stunted my attaching to anyone else.

So we had an honest discussion. I admitted what I was feeling inside and he sweetly agreed to grant me the time I'll need to disconnect. I know it can be done, I've done it before. I already feel like I made some progress this past week since I wasn't thinking about romance at all. I was laughing hard with the windows down.



I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith, karma comes around
I will spend the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

You helped me see
The beauty in everything