Monday, August 5, 2013

What are some dating red flags?

"The first time someone tells you who they are, listen." Maya Angelou
This question of the week comes from a personal discussion: what are some dating red flags?

To me, red flags are signs that someone may not be stable, caring or on the same page. Take note:
  • Do they seem callous towards other people? Do they talk about others dismissively or with care? Do they have a history of stable, caring relationships? Do they treat waitstaff and strangers with respect? You want someone who values people and relationships.
  • Do they seem into you? They're into you if they reach out. If you're the only one reaching out, they're not that into you. 
  • Red flag: if it doesn't seem like self-care is a priority (for example, what do they complain about regularly and what are they doing to solve it? Like, if they're always sleep-deprived, why are they unable to self-regulate and get sleep?)
  • Do they pay attention to, and are they receptive of feedback?
What else? What are some more red flags?


  1. I could write a book on what makes women undateable. Usually though, it is not so much undateable as long term relationshipable. Of course I could also write a book about the disparity between what women say they want in a relationship and who they end up with.

  2. Oh... You changed the headline on me after I answered.😉
    In early dating if a woman obsesses on the material or is constantly bringing up money, its a red flag. If a woman isn't playful(eye contact, stray touches, etc.)on a first date, it's a red flag. If a woman takes food from your plate, while on a date, without asking or invite, it's a red flag. Actually, I could write a book on this question too. Not a red flag, but piece of advice for women. If you show you are needy, you are no longer a date, but prey.

  3. Oops! Yeah, I previously labelled this post "what makes someone undateable" but then I thought that sounded harsh.

    Fascinating. Why is taking food off your plate a red flag? I don't think I'd ever do that without asking -- is that common? What is the potential warning there?

    How does neediness manifest? And what do you do when you see those signs -- wrap it up or power through?

  4. Food off of the plate, is a respect thing and is a throwback to primitive times. Taking someones food without asking is a form of exerting dominance. Personally I see it as a lack of boundaries and just plain rude.

    Don't know what causes the neediness and most woman I know get over it (Some don't).
    Neediness is usually a series of actions. Things like...
    A woman who acts disinterested, yet still wants to keep dating you.
    A woman who knows you are not interested, yet still wants to keep dating.
    A woman who will keep calling or txting when you haven't or just keep calling and txting excessively(non stop).
    A woman who tells you she doesn't share your beliefs on something, but changes her beliefs immediately when you challenge them.
    A woman who just shows up uninvited or 'accidentally', where you are.
    A woman who obsesses on things you've said on previous dates.

    There are many more signs. When women start showing these signs, they are setting themselves up for abuse. Not all guys are predators, but the ones that are will see the signs quickly and take advantage.

    I'm ashamed to admit a younger me was a predator and would have fed on these signs. The older me feels sorry for these women. Luckily, only dated one woman like this since the divorce. I quickly friend zoned her, while trying to help her self esteem.

  5. -- Someone who acts disinterested... I interpret that as *disinterest*.

    -- A woman who knows you're not interested but still dating you, ouch. I think two circumstances would be behind this though: either she thinks you'll come around, or the less-than situation is sufficient for now.

    Sometimes guys say things though that confuse. For example, (true story): "I'm not ready to make a commitment yet" (when I didn't even ask) and "this is the most supportive, caring, best, most amazing relationship of my life even more than my marriage" (when I didn't ask him to say that either) -- but it made me wonder if things would deepen.

    Mixed signals make hopes soar. The ending is far more painful because then you reconstruct memories in light of this new information.

    I would urge both men and women to always be very honest. It must be very difficult not to respond when someone says how much they like you but you don't return the feelings. But it is important not to autorespond, not wanting to hurt their feelings. Because the reality will hurt worse in the long run. I think it is easy to interpret interest from thin air; hope is a powerful agent of fantasy.

    -- A woman who will keep calling/texting without reciprocity, dude, that is just stalking! (As is when she "shows up" where you are!)

    Do you want to add more? I want to turn that into a blog post by itself. (Want to co-write it with me? A male & female take?)

    1. Also, anyone else? Group effort!

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  7. When it comes to dating, I see most problems arising from insecurities. A person who knows you're not interested but is still dating you, is worried that they won't find anything better. Counterintuitive, because it makes you act worse.

    When the guy said, "I'm not ready to make a commitment yet" (when you didn't even ask), you took offense to this. He was not trying to confuse, but clarify his position. The guy sounds awesome for his honesty and security, when he could have kept a “comfortable” relationship, that wasn't right for him going. I don't see this as mixing signals just caring enough about you and stopping any hope or misunderstanding. This guy is a keeper, even as a friend.

    People aren't honest because honesty is painful. Cliché alert... “breaking up is hard to do.” , harder for the person breaking up. They are going to hurt somebody and most people don't like hurting others, so people tend to avoid breakups. Why am I two dates and out? Because of my empathetic nature. I wouldn't want anyone giving me false hope, so why would I want to do that to them? Quelling fantasy is a short term hurt and is kinder than harboring false hope.

    A woman who will keep calling/texting without reciprocity is worse than stalking, stalking is a form of control. This person does it at their own expense, giving control to the chased person.

    This would be an awesome blog. I'd be happy to co-author... I live far enough away that you can't throw stuff at me.

  8. I should clarify that saying "I'm not ready to make a commitment yet" is not what offended -- I value honesty and prefer it over what I want to hear, and there are times I heard just that. But when that message is coupled with opposite ones, it makes the whole thing very confusing. I hate mixed messages. Granted, maybe they're from mixed feelings, and I get that. But if someone texts up a storm one day and is silent the next, it's confusing. But I construe mixed messages as disinterest now too. If someone wants you, they let you know.

    Let's start compiling a list - yours from the male perspective of red flags and signals and I'll do mine. I promise I won't throw anything at the computer!